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[10 May 2006|01:17pm] |
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i want to die.
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| i don't fucking want you, i don't fucking need you anyyyyyyyymore... |
[09 Mar 2006|04:37pm] |
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music |
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kill your idols - epilogue |
] |
one second is all it takes
to lose it all in so many ways
two rotten kids in a rotten world
an unstable boy and an imperfect girl
tired and starved for creating a life for themselves
how can i expect to save us both
if there's no room to save myself?
our pride hides in bathroom stalls
with faceless names on porcelain walls
where inside these squares we're self destructive
birthed by ill excuses with no instructions
two hearts held hostage on hospital beds
still angry at this place with guns held up to each others heads.
so now do we walk away
from everything that kept us safe, that kept us warm,
that saved us from sleep begging for more
or do we fall victim of being tagged and numbered
statistics drawn on a green slate... i swear to you it's not too late.
so how does this end for us when you've already given up
on all the times we stayed alive
where i punned and played on words
as you let my lines fall short of what i meant
i won't lose you again.
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[05 Mar 2006|08:55pm] |
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music |
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saves the day |
] |
feeling like a dirty rag
but i don't clean messes
i am one.
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[27 Feb 2006|11:14pm] |
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here's to the long nights ahead held host hostage in evening gowns on hospital beds. where we fall victim to middle-class monotony and routine hatred for who we let ourselves turn into.
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[11 Jan 2006|02:05am] |
R.I.P. pop-pop...
i love you and won't forget the last few words we exchanged
before you passed away...
i can't even find the words to describe exactly what i'm feeling as of late. confussion, excitement, determination... everything old and new. life right now is bizarro...
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| i don't want to fight with you if i can't be the one to have you... |
[08 Jan 2006|02:58am] |
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it's cold
and i want
to wrap my car
around a tree
like you wrap
your hands
around me
and laid to waste
with insecurity
it's not so simple
when i've lost
everything
i've wanted to say
i'm no good
at these games you play
yeah
i want to admit
that i don't love you
and that
everything
we've been through
slipped my mind
like we slipped
on time
ten months
down the drain
watch me
wash away
with the morning rain
this doesn't
do it for me
anymore
i'll see you all in hell.
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| i'm giving up my hopes and dreams for other hopes and dreams so you tell me... |
[24 Dec 2005|02:40am] |
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music |
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backup plan / subterfuge split |
] |
...am i fucked?
MONDAY DECEMBER 26
TGIF SIGHTS AND SOUNDS
16 PORTION ROAD
FARMINGVILLE, NY 11738
THIS IS HELL
OUTBREAK
THE GEEKS (from South Korea)!
UP THE FURY (ex-the backup plan, since you)
DIVIDER (tym, matt mcnever's band)
6pm $9
hey friends, come see my new band... plus a sweet cover.
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| it came to me like a dream, the kind that always leaves... |
[20 Dec 2005|11:30pm] |
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mood |
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determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
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bleeder |
] |
every time i catch a glimpse my heart sinks
into an ugly pit of a stomache
that eats away at itself
from the inside out
until there is nothing
and i feel like nothing
something
has got to be accomplished
something has got to be
out of line
i'd say i was ok
but than i'd be lying
laying
on my back
staring through
plastic walls
and tiles
i feel so useless
and so unaccomplished
and i always
yearn
for something
that i could only
taste
and smell
and all of my senses
fell under some kind
of spell
and i was eaten up
in four big gulps
my mouth full of
excuses
i miss it
those days
and i don't want to anymore
on my hardwood floor
is everything
and nothing
all at once
all in place
but scattered
and every time
i want to forget
i have to suspect
that something is up
and i guess
we end it at that
it always ends like that
and now i want no beginnings
and most importantly i just want to forget
about you
and me
all at once now.
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| if time heals all wounds, then why am i still bitter?!?!?... |
[18 Dec 2005|07:43pm] |
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mood |
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reminiscent |
] |
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music |
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strong.point |
] |
last night i went to day one of jared fest. i felt like i was 17 again. and i miss jared, and a lot of other things. i hate this stupid livejournal. some things just aren't fair...
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| confused as always... |
[14 Dec 2005|10:48pm] |
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music |
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sunny day real estate |
] |
i don't know what to think of my life right now... except that i'm excited and terrified at the same time.
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| wallpapered lives and bodies bled dry from a cut that will not stay stitched... |
[03 Dec 2005|03:17am] |
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it's show
don't tell why
against all
the wasted nights
the radio spared use
the conversation
as we carried the bags
beneath our eyes.
those days
only my hands
were kept warm
and now i struggle
to feel what
being warm
really feels like.
i'd like to think
that the circumstances
have changed since then
but that's just
another wish
that turned away
with you
and the rest
of everything
i once held.
of this
you can be sure
i'm tracing
your shadow
into a silhouette
so at times like these
i can never forget
the canvas
i brought home;
the blood
you drew
and put on display
so i'll always remember
the price that i paid.
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[08 Nov 2005|03:38am] |
i came
and left
as fast
as you could
forget
holy shit
it was over 100 days
and yeah
i'm sick
of holding
my breath
and waiting
and constantly searching
for alternative ways
to push my nightmares
into comedic plays
not the tragic tales
of an unexperienced
love be forgotten
all or nothing
holding tides
against the grain
too close
with all too much
pain
such pain
and the stars are clear tonight
i wanted to see you
for only a second
what's a second
but then again
what's time
i used to remember it well
because it passed so slowly
television programs
break down the door, dog
fingerprints do more
than sign away
convicted persons
they let persons
forget
live to understand
that what they wanted
and what they planned
and what they promised
and how they loved
oh we loved
and i never let go
and you let go so easily
and you don't get it
you don't get it
i never got it
and i still don't have
all of it
but i wanted to see you
for only a second
i guess
the curtain
drags at the bottom
and sinks
beneath the two by fours
and sunken planks
i walked
so frequently
around the egg shells
pealed and soft
if i fall
i already fell
one more quick glimpse
the cow mailbox
the cat dish
danced
brown coated
disease
lay spotted
and random
hold solid
with the concrete
we sat and smoked
cigarettes
by your front door
that i always closed
so gently
without a sound
walked up the stairs
careful not to wake
the motorcycle
a furry ride
to the left
is your door
that i opened so gently
your room is never the same
the second time around
you know,
the first thing i did
was remember your scent
you didn't want to see me
not even for a second
sleep
you catch it
more frequently
then you care
to catch
or cradle
into your tiny palms
that aren't quite the same
i wouldn't know
it's been so long
you see
since i had a chance
to meet you
five fingers intertwined
like a thorn bush
ready to draw blood
to anyone
who braves
such a small world
we live in
for which
i choose
not to live with you
i scattered the ashes
but i'm sorry
i missed the funeral
i couldn't bare to catch
everyone else feeling
like i do
for only a second
there's that time again
i'm dead
you're dead
we both don't feel
fuck
fuck fuck fuck
yeah
this was the last time
i wanted it to be the last time
and i promise you
it will be
dear you,
fuck and run
i'm so fucking tired
of running
so now
i'm really feeling it now
running through me
something's coming over me
and yeah
i've never felt it before
not even in love
the four letter word
i'm slowly losing it
and i thought
i lost it all
but when there
is nothing left to lose
i had to choose
i don't want to know
or see
or feel
or love
fuck
what is love
you're not love
you're not anything
but the undertaker
of love
if love even exists
i'd be damned
if i let it get me again
thanks
thanks for numbing my wits
again,
thank you
i don't care anymore
about anyone
you were
something
you know that
ha
shit
who am i trying to fool
you were everything
and dancing on your grave
isn't going
to help me
forget
everything we had
and everything i wanted with you
as much as i'd like it too
because here i sit
still giving it all
for you
it's all for you
and you won't care
and you'll fall asleep
before i can say goodnight i love you always
kiss your freckled forehead
push your hair
out of your eyes
watch you rise and fall
beneath the sheets
half open
half closed
you can't decide
and neither can i
i used to watch you
you know
for hours
as you krept
slowly
into your dreams
bedside nightmares
and i cursed
my lucky stars
for bringing me
so much fucking hapiness
yeah
it lasted a while
nothing lasts too long
not the words
to all our favorite songs
could explain how it felt
to be loved
and let down
and broken
and beaten down
and hurt
oh so hurt
i'm hurting
when will it stop hurting
when will you stop hurting
me with your stubborn pride
and light blue eyes
your voice is sweet
even when you shot
me with lead filled
defeat
on the streets
they all feel the same
tonight
tomorrow
last night
four years ago
but not tomorrow
i swear
fuck on everything that
keeps me from stabbing my wrists
that i am going to forget
as far as i can reach back
i'm going to let it all leak
out of my pores
when i sweat under fire
i'm hot with desire
because i'm going to live it down
and let it turn
like autumn
and the ashes in my urn
i died long ago
six weeks ago
you will be
a fairy tale
in disguise
tomorrow
i'm sailing away
down streams
and narrow passage ways
i took a shot
and yeah i paid
i love you
too much
for our own good
and now it will be forgotten
not to be turned
over
ever again
never again
it's all gone
everything is all gone
and i can't find
the strength
to say everything
i've said a million times
and will say until
day after day
in and out
the lungs collapse
i've turned into
an irish stout
it's over
all over
again
never again.
i love you.
i hate you.
i'm going
to get over you.
any way that i can
i'm still longing.
it's tomorrow
tomorrow
today
you're gone
nothing
a deja vu
a passerby on the street
just another pretty face
that i won't speak to
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| JOEY IS FUCKING DOPEAAAA!!!... |
[24 Oct 2005|02:25am] |
| [ |
music |
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capital - rough mixes |
] |
driving down
the north side
of this railroad town
where the streets
paved once since 1918
pale and stained
with personality
commitmint and grease
foggy windows
divided in squares
gray and lifeless
at this time outside
the nine to five
where steel sends
chills through the air
and steam hisses and
collapses past the
shadows and narrow
alleyways.
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[14 Oct 2005|06:27pm] |
| [ |
music |
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BATS AND KNIVES |
] |
how i hate every puddle on this planet.
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| fuck i killed it... |
[13 Oct 2005|11:39pm] |
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silky smooth
satin
i always slip
so silently
so subtle
sweet nights
invisible street signs
half lit
half dead street lights.
now just poignant sighs.
and it's
about this time
that i follow
the powerlines
but they always
bring me to
the same strange
yet familiar
places
i've seen
and been a hundred times
already
finally
some peace
and quiet
too much quiet
to swallow
too much peace
stands crooked
sits hollow
and it's the same
records
being played on repeat
it's the same clothes
that stink of defeat
it's the same books
being dissected
by my eyes
there the same lines
four years memorized.
once in a while
i crack a smile
and it's well worth
the trouble i live for.
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| sad and lonesome... |
[09 Oct 2005|11:39pm] |
| [ |
music |
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most precious blood - merciless |
] |
the last
of what
the locksmith crafts.
stationed
quietly
under the yellow ribbon
next to the
sorry
mournful
begonia
rubber soles
for the soul
cursed word
nothing more
i got a ticket that night
no inspection
on the rattle bucket
over stainless tar
sleek and thin
broken in
it knows where i've been
right headlight
frozen over in the ice age
blackened and deceited
the blood sucker
kept his locust around me
mist infecting
my car with
every second idling
cooking in
torn leather.
writing sonnets
with the hum of the engine
beautifully crafted notes
i could paint
like picasso
in the october
morning
stretching each stroke
touching every spot
i yearn for that moment
when gray turns to white
so i wait
confidence always comes
too late.
and somehow
skepticism shows up
right on time
on the white dotted line
so straight and ardent
so simply defined
every car
heaping masses of
machinary
coils and
brass between the legs
lose pixilation
in my fragile eyes
fighting with the
battle cries
spilling through
the pores of my speakers
in hisses and
smokers cough.
i've got nowhere to be
on this particular night
where i doubt anyone
will even spare the change
to read this through
i have no destination
so here's to
me still getting over you.
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| "when you were on JV i was captain of the motherfucking varsity..." |
[26 Sep 2005|03:52pm] |
| [ |
music |
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modern life is war |
] |
i had a good weekend. saturday night my friends and i recorded a rap song haha. sunday afternoon was spent in the woods on shep jones where we watched a hawk eat a rabbit in a tree. it was sweet. this time last year i was the happiest kid on the planet.
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